Chapter 35
"It's sweet how she's worried about us," Aeris remarked as she closed the door to their room. She turned to look at Tifa, but Tifa avoided her gaze.
Instead she dropped Yuffie's bag down beside one of the beds and glanced around. It wasn't the same room they'd had before, but it looked nearly identical. The windows faced a different direction, she thought, but the rain obscured the view.
Aeris set down her own things and disappeared into the bathroom, returning with a pair of towels. She handed one to Tifa. "You still don't want to talk?" she asked softly. "Could I at least help take your mind off things?"
Tifa glanced her as she started to dry herself off from the rain. Of course the hardest part was how it would affect Marlene, like a waiting time bomb that might ultimately hurt her and ruin their relationship, but she worried it might ruin things with Aeris, too. Aeris wanted to know her, and this was the ugliest part of her, the part of her that could justify murder.
Yuffie had told it like Dyne had forced her hand, like she'd reacted in the moment to protect them, and Tifa had avoided telling anyone otherwise, though she was sure Barret at least understood. But she had to come clean sooner rather than later. Much as she wanted to, she couldn't keep holding on to the way Aeris looked at her now, unaware, eager to be close to her. It didn't feel right.
She thought they could still be friends, but that closeness... She might be about to lose it.
"Sorry," she said. "I wanted some time to pull it together, but... I can't take it back, so I'm going to have to live with it. And that means accepting how it might change how people think of me."
Aeris frowned, not understanding. "I know it was a hard thing, what you had to do," she said, "but it doesn't change anything for me."
"Even if there's more to it?" Tifa wondered.
"I know you. And I always knew... that you'd probably killed people. We met the night of the bombing, after all. And I know, after that, too... When you came to rescue me. What makes this time so different? Weren't you still protecting the people you love?"
Tifa sat down on the edge of the bed nearest to her, the towel beneath her. "That's the thing, though," she said. "It was just 'probably,' before. I took people down, but killing them wasn't the point, as long as they were out of the way. But Dyne... I made sure, Aeris."
Aeris sat down beside her, regarding her carefully. "What do you mean?"
"My first shot didn't kill him. That was a choice I made."
Aeris didn't respond right away. Like Tifa had expected, it was something she had to process. Tifa looked away, not really wanting to watch the expression on her face.
"Changes things," she said quietly, "doesn't it?"
"No," said Aeris, shaking her head. "No, I was just thinking about the last time we were here. About your plan to kill Rufus... I didn't like it, but I understood it. And honestly, this is easier. You didn't want Dyne dead. You made a decision to protect your family."
"I could've found another way."
"Maybe," Aeris admitted, "but I can guess what you were thinking: what if that other way failed? What if Barret and Marlene wound up dead because you let him live? And maybe not just them, but anyone who got in the way. Wedge. My mom. I don't think you could've forgiven yourself for that."
Tifa's thoughts had been stuck in the moment, but Aeris was right. If Dyne had escaped them and sought out Marlene... Wedge would have laid down his life to protect her, and Tifa couldn't imagine Elmyra standing aside either. What about Wedge's brother? The boy Marlene played with? All the people between here and that tiny village outside of Kalm? Dyne had stopped valuing human life, and maybe those Shinra soldiers weren't the first or the only people he'd hurt since Corel.
But Dyne wasn't Rufus. He'd been Barret's best friend, before her, and Marlene's father, for the first few months of her life. Whatever Yuffie said, Tifa felt that counted for something. And so if there'd been anything left of that man beneath the hatred and the cynicism, Tifa had erased it.
"I probably couldn't have," she agreed, "but that doesn't make this a good thing that I did. He used to be a good man, and I decided he was out of chances to get back to that."
"The way Yuffie told it, I thought you gave him a few. But he... wouldn't stop."
Tifa shook her head. "I don't think I want to justify it," she said. "If I do, if I can, then what about the next time? What if this is me slipping? I've already justified other things."
Aeris reached over and touched her hand. "No one's judging you for it, except for you, and I think that should tell you something. Everyone understands you made a tough call."
Tifa shut her eyes and let out a breath. "I just wish I knew it would be the last one," she said. "I wish I wouldn't keep coming up against these kinds of choices."
"Maybe it could be the last."
"You're kidding, right?" Tifa said, throwing her a look. Their entire mission was about killing Sephiroth, and even if that was an easy choice, it wouldn't make the world safe from Shinra. There was so much more for AVALANCHE to do.
"I'm not," said Aeris. "I know you're set on stopping Sephiroth, but you don't have to keep fighting, after that. It doesn't really seem fair to ask one person to save the world from everything."
"I can't just stop. The other option is always worse. Stand by while Shinra's still in the world? Leave my friends to do this on their own?" Tifa shook her head. "I can't."
Aeris squeezed her hand, and the look in her eyes made Tifa's chest grow tight. It was a look that said she hadn't lost anything. "Well... then your friends are right beside you," she said. "You're not doing this on your own either."
"I know," she said, and she gave Aeris's hand a little squeeze back. "How are you doing? I haven't really... checked in."
"I'm lovely," Aeris said. "The Planet has gotten easier to tune out, my girlfriend's talking to me again... And you know, we're back where we had our first date, so that seems like something, too."
"You're not just saying that?" Tifa pressed, searching her face. "It's really gotten better?"
"Mhm. The Planet understands we're getting there as fast as we can."
"Good. I would've told it that myself if I could."
"You could've given it a try anyway," Aeris suggested.
Tifa looked at her quizzically. "I didn't think the Planet listened to humans. I thought it only spoke to its 'chosen people.''
"Well, you're my chosen person, so I can probably vouch for you."
She said it playfully, but a tremor of uncertainty told Tifa that this was serious for Aeris, not just a joke or a whim. Something precious enough that she couldn't have borne having it rejected if she had presented it seriously.
"...you really think I could talk to the Planet?" Tifa asked cautiously.
"It's probably silly," Aeris insisted, "but Nanaki and I were talking about it. About what makes a Cetra, and if it could be something you choose. Maybe people can choose to listen to the Planet."
A choice? Tifa wondered. She had to admit, she'd never tried it. It wasn't until she'd met Barret that she'd even understood the Planet as a living thing, and it wasn't until Aeris that she'd known it had a voice, a consciousness. Most people were like that, so maybe it wasn't so far-fetched, what Aeris was saying. Not something impossible, but just forgotten.
She tucked her hair behind her ear. "You... want to try teaching me?"
Aeris's smile was almost shy. "I'd like that," she said.
"So, how do we start?"
"Let's get comfortable first," Aeris suggested, plucking at the damp fabric of her pants.
"We shouldn't be outside for it?"
"Huh?"
Tifa faltered. "Well, I mean... to be closer to it...? Didn't it help in Kalm?"
Aeris smiled and shook her head. "I already knew how to listen. It might help, but I think it's easiest when there are fewer distractions. It's quiet in here, and there's just the two of us."
Tifa nodded, and she got up to change, though she didn't think wet clothes were going to be her biggest obstacle. Listening in the quiet... she knew what was waiting for her.
Back in dry clothes, they settled cross-legged atop the bed, facing each other, and Tifa looked to Aeris for direction.
"How to start...?" Aeris wondered, not seeming any surer. "I hate to say it, but the easiest thing to pick up on is the Planet's pain. Like what you heard from Bugenhagen's machine... and I wonder if maybe you heard it back at the reactor on Mt Nibel. It was so intense there... but so was your own pain. You might not have noticed."
Tifa remembered how Aeris had asked her, that first night they'd met, whether she couldn't feel how Shinra was killing the Planet. Covering up a slip of the tongue, she thought now, by suggesting that it was something Tifa could sense, too, but Tifa had thought she understood at the time. The wrongness of Midgar... that was because of the wounds it inflicted on the Planet, wasn't it?
But she'd never heard anything like the sound emanating from Bugenhagen's machine. It was only the vaguest feeling, and maybe just something she projected onto her surroundings, something born out of her hatred for Shinra.
"How do I listen for it?" she asked.
"You have to focus inward," said Aeris, "but not really on yourself. You remember what Barret said, about borrowing a piece of the Planet? We're all born from the Planet, and we all return to it again in the end. You have to look for that connection, at the core of you. It'll be faint, at first. You won't be sure."
It reminded her of what Yuffie had said, too, about feeling her gods in the rain, everything being connected. Tifa closed her eyes and tried to focus like Aeris suggested. What was it that connected her to the Planet?
But she couldn't help feeling, right now, that she was doing something she shouldn't with what the Planet had given her. Would the Cetra have done anything that AVALANCHE had? Or was it a distinctly human way of dealing with problems? Holy, the Planet's greatest weapon against those who threatened it, had never been used, even in the face of Jenova.
And Tifa had chosen to end a man's life before he had even the chance to harm the people she loved. There was no connection in that, she thought, nothing of what the Planet would want for her. She tried to push past it, because she knew that wasn't what Aeris meant, but she didn't know how to look for the 'core' of her without seeing who she was now, in the moment.
"I'm sorry," she said at last. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't hear anything."
"That's all right," said Aeris.
Tifa looked up at her. She hated to disappoint her. "I can keep trying," she said, "but... I think today's a bust."
Aeris shook her head. "Don't say that. Maybe nothing will come of it, but you don't know what it means to me that you're trying."
"I wish I could be... more, for you."
"Oh, Tifa," said Aeris, and she leaned forward to take both of Tifa's hands in hers. "Sometimes you don't know what you are, how much you... I love you, Tifa."
Tifa's heart skipped a beat and thudded hard in her chest. Now? she thought. Now, when she was such a mess of a person, barely holding it together? But if Aeris could love her at her worst... Tifa swallowed.
"I..."
"Sorry," Aeris said. "I know it's a weird time. I just... I felt it, and I wanted to tell you. I don't mean to put any pressure on you."
Tifa leaned closer until she could press her forehead against Aeris's and closed her eyes. She wanted to say it, but... "I want to be in a place where it would actually mean something."
"It would always mean something," Aeris said softly. "But I think I understand."
Tifa kissed her gently, because that was one thing she could say without words, but it turned a little desperate. She'd spent most of the time since Corel avoiding Aeris's touch, feeling undeserving. Maybe she still was, but she didn't feel any of that from Aeris. She returned the kiss eagerly, passionately. Despite everything, she still wanted more, she was still here for whatever Tifa had to offer.
"I hear you," Aeris murmured as they broke for air, her lips close enough to brush Tifa's as she spoke. Tifa started to move in again, but a loud knock stopped her short.
"Hey," Yuffie called through the door, "I'm making Zack get us food, you guys want anything?"
Aeris let out a soft laugh and shared a look with Tifa. "Foiled again," she murmured. At least Yuffie hadn't walked in on them.
"Sure," Tifa called back, and she got up to open the door.
She felt... calmer, the rest of the evening. That guilt still lay heavy on her chest, but Aeris had given her something to hold onto, to keep her from going under. Maybe she'd made a mistake, and maybe it was all she could see when she looked at herself now, but it couldn't be what defined her, for Aeris to feel the way that she did. There was something else, and she'd find it in time, and then she'd try again, listening for the Planet's voice.
Sleep remained elusive that night, but Tifa settled in with her guilt, and did her best to reshape it into something she could live with. If her mistake was in assuming Dyne would never change, then maybe she had to allow that for herself. She had time to change, to become a person who wouldn't let the ends justify the means. She saw it in Barret and Jessie, too; they wanted AVALANCHE to change.
The tough decisions ahead... they could be different, if they made them differently.
The rain finally ended sometime before dawn, because Tifa remembered seeing the first grey light through the window curtains, but she must have at last fallen asleep after that. She woke mid-morning when Barret came in to tell them that Jessie had called; the others had just reached town.
Tifa climbed out of bed and stuffed her feet into her boots, insisting on going with Barret to meet them. She didn't know where Yuffie had gone, but she asked Aeris to gather the others together at the inn.
Outside, the sun was struggling to break through the cloud cover, a bright white glow behind them, and Tifa's boots splashed through puddles over the short distance from the inn's entrance to the small lot beside it.
Vincent had just parked the truck, and Tifa watched as he held the door for the tall woman who climbed out after him. Lucrecia. Sephiroth's mother.
"Tifa! Barret!" Jessie had left her gear in the truck and come straight for them. She threw one arm around Tifa and reached for Barret with the other, managing to snag the edge of his vest. He obliged her by stepping closer so she could hug the both of them at once, and Tifa let herself lean into the two of them.
"I'm so sorry," Jessie went on. "How are you two holding up?"
Barret caught her eye over Jessie's head, and Tifa answered, "I think we're managing."
"If there's anything you need from me," Jessie said, drawing back to look at them. "Anything at all, you just say the word."
"Thanks, Jess," said Barret. "It's good to see you."
Nanaki had come up behind Jessie, his mane still damp from the early morning rain they must have driven through. "I am sorry your venture went so poorly," he offered, "but it is good to be back together."
"Yeah," Tifa agreed, but then she looked past him as Vincent approached with Lucrecia.
She could see the resemblance immediately, not the guessing game she'd played with Vincent. Sephiroth had clearly inherited his looks from his mother, a beautiful woman even as she must have been close to sixty. She offered Tifa a slight smile, and Tifa wished she hadn't. The shape of her mouth, the way it didn't quite reach her eyes... It was too much like him.
"You must be Tifa," she said. "I don't really know what I can say to you. I've heard of my son's actions... I can't imagine it's easy for you to meet with me."
"No, it's not," said Tifa, finding it a struggle to keep her tone civil. Because of this woman... She hadn't meant to create a monster, but she'd created one all the same. "You're going to get that with most of us, I'm afraid."
"I understand," said Lucrecia, though beside her, Vincent frowned.
"Where's everyone else?" Jessie wondered. "Inside?"
Tifa nodded. "I asked Aeris to get them together, so we can talk."
They collected the rest of the gear from the truck and went on inside, gathering in the larger of the two rooms they'd booked. The others had clearly told Lucrecia about their party, but Vincent ran through the introductions, putting names to faces. Lucrecia's gaze lingered on Aeris, and maybe it was just because Aeris was the only one not looking back at her with suspicion, but maybe it was something else. Tifa moved to stand beside Aeris, just in case.
"So this is Sephiroth's mom, huh," Yuffie remarked when Vincent had finished. "Shouldn't we tie her up or something?"
"What?" said Vincent.
"Well, that's way more suspicious than Zack, isn't it?"
"She's got a point," said Barret. "She ain't exactly the most trustworthy o' people."
"Guys," said Jessie, "she's been with us for two days, and it's been fine. She didn't kill us in our sleep or anything."
"Why would she?" said Yuffie. "It's smarter to wait 'til she met up with the rest of us."
"She came here to help you," Vincent stated.
"It's all right, Vincent," said Lucrecia, and she looked to Tifa. "I understand your distrust. You can restrain me if you want. I don't mind it."
"...I'm not sure we need to go that far," Tifa said. If this woman represented a threat, she didn't think it was the violent kind. "We'll just be keeping an eye on you."
Lucrecia nodded.
"So," said Zack, folding his arms, "you're here to check up on me and Cloud, huh?"
"I... suppose I am," said Lucrecia. "After all, my research contributed to what Hojo did to you. And of course to what... Sephiroth did to you." Her voice broke a little with those words, and she clasped her hands in front of her and bowed her head. "I am so sorry," she said, "for what he became. For what we created."
Tifa watched her carefully. Although she had a distant air, her remorse, like Vincent's, seemed genuine. Was there any reason to judge her more harshly than Gast, who'd made the same mistake and likewise left Shinra behind? Or more harshly than Vincent, who Tifa had suspected might be Sephiroth's father?
"Why didn't you do anything about it before?" Cloud asked into the quiet that followed that apology that no one seemed eager to accept. "Before Nibelheim?"
Lucrecia glanced at him and shook her head. "Because I'm a coward," she said. "I can say that Hojo kept me from our son, but I could have found a way to him. I could have told him the truth of things, before he found out on his own."
"'Our'...?" Tifa repeated with a grimace. Sephiroth was Hojo's son?
"Oh, gross," said Yuffie.
Lucrecia scanned their faces. "Ah. I assumed Vincent had told you."
Jessie scratched her head. "No. I just kind of figured it out, the way you were talking."
"...I almost feel bad for him now," Zack admitted. "He didn't even know. That guy's gotta be up there for the Shittiest Dad award."
"Like that's any excuse," said Yuffie.
"Didn't say it was. It does explain some things, though."
"But I do understand," Aeris spoke up at last, "why you never risked going back to Hojo. I spent a long time hiding from him, too. You disappeared the way you did because it was safer for you if he thought you were dead, right? After all... you have Jenova in you, too."
Lucrecia met her gaze and slowly inclined her head. "Yes. I do."
"Never mind all that," said Tifa. "Hojo's dead. This is about your actions, now."
"Right." Lucrecia drew a breath and looked to Zack and Cloud. "I... I'll need to track down some equipment, but if you'll allow it, I'd like to take some tissue samples from the two of you, though I'm... not sure how much help I can be. I have only myself for comparison."
"Shouldn't you be the expert?" asked Barret.
"With Gast gone... I suppose I might be. But the nature of Jenova is... something we should have seen much sooner as terrifying. There exists nothing like it on our Planet. Its regenerative properties, in my experience, make it impossible to eliminate from a host. Anything that could actually kill the Jenova... would certainly kill the host much more easily."
Tifa glanced sharply at Aeris, wondering for the first time-- if Holy had the chance to attack Jenova, would it only be the body of the creature itself, or...? The frown on Aeris's face said that the same thought had occurred to her.
"But if there was a way to kill only the Jenova in a host..." Aeris began slowly, "they'd be all right, wouldn't they?"
Lucrecia pressed her lips together. "In myself, I think not. Each time it's... healed me, it's taken a little more of me, and by now it's too much a part of me. But it's been only five years for the two of you, and for the others Hojo took. Your condition may not be nearly so advanced. I should at least be able to confirm that for you."
Zack made a face. "Guess that's something."
"Do you have a way?" Lucrecia asked, her eyes on Aeris again.
But Aeris shook her head. "Not really. I was just wondering."
No one said anything to contradict her, but Vincent caught Tifa's eye, something urgent in that look. They had just established that Holy might very well kill Lucrecia, and they were keeping that knowledge from her.
But they couldn't risk Sephiroth finding out about it, and Lucrecia could be as unwitting a spy for him as Cloud, or Zack. Tifa shook her head slightly. They couldn't tell her until it was done.
Vincent's flesh hand clenched into a fist at his side, but he kept silent.
For her part, Lucrecia appeared unconvinced, but she didn't pry. Instead she said, "Well then. Is it all right if I leave you to look for those supplies?"
Tifa nodded. "I think so. But not alone."
"I'll go with you," said Vincent, as expected.
"I can accompany you as well," Nanaki volunteered with a glance at Tifa. Obviously he understood that Vincent wouldn't be keeping an eye on Lucrecia expecting her to be the source of any danger.
"We could stand to pick up some supplies, too," Jessie said, looking to Barret. "You still out of ammo?"
Barret nodded, but Tifa interjected, "We'll leave that to you, Jessie. Barret and I need to talk."
He glanced at her, nodding again in understanding. "And, uh, you'll need to get somethin' for yourself there, too, Jess."
Jessie scarcely missed a beat. "Got it," she said, never asking what had happened to her rifle.
"If you're hitting up the weapons store, me an' Cloud'll join you," said Zack, and when Cloud looked at him quizzically, Zack nudged him with an elbow. "We can't share a sword, buddy. It's time for you to get your own."
"Plus we'll need some warmer stuff for up north," Jessie reasoned, beginning to frown.
"Do we have the money for all that?" Yuffie wondered. "We're actual ticketed passengers on that ship, and those weren't exactly cheap."
Tifa ran a hand through her hair. Bugenhagen had been generous, but it was still a lot to burn through all at once. "Maybe we can sell the truck," she considered. "We have to leave it behind anyway."
"You can leave that to me," Yuffie said.
Tifa almost pointed out that she could barely handle being a passenger, much less a driver, but... she was pretty good at getting money out of people.
Aeris glanced at Tifa and offered, "I'll help you out, Yuffie."
"What, you?"
Aeris smiled. "You're thinking, 'with this face'? But that's exactly the point, you know."
"Nobody ever suspects her of anything," Zack added. "Between the two of you, you might actually make money on that thing."
"Well, we didn't pay for it to begin with," said Yuffie, "so obviously."
"You guys steal a lot of cars for people who barely know how to drive."
Tifa shrugged. "Surprisingly good way to learn," she said.
Aeris clapped her hands together. "Anyway, it looks like we all have our jobs to do, so we'll get out of your hair." But she hung back for a moment as the others started out of the room, reached for Tifa's hand, and gave it a squeeze.
Tifa glanced around, but everyone's back was to them but Barret's. She leaned in and gave Aeris a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks," she murmured.
Aeris smiled, and she was the last one out the door, her step quickening to catch up to Yuffie.
"Guess you two had a good talk last night," Barret remarked.
Tifa tucked her hair behind her ear. "Yeah," she said. "I think she's... it for me, Barret. You know?"
"Yeah, I know," he said softly.
She gave her head a shake and looked back at him. "Sorry."
"Nah, it's good. I'm happy for you. 'sides, what am I, an old man already? Could happen again."
Tifa quirked an eyebrow at him. "Never heard you say that before."
Barret scratched his head. "Just sayin.' Don't want you feelin' bad on my account."
She eyed him a moment longer and let it drop. "Anyway," she said, sitting down on the edge of one of the beds. "Let's... figure this out."
Barret joined her, his expression sobering. "You sure you wanna do it now? We got plenty o' time to think it over. Marlene's too young to understand any of it."
"I know. But I need to know for me, before I can talk to her again."
He nodded in understanding. "I was plannin' on tellin' her 'bout her birth parents eventually... but I figure, it don't gotta end any different from what I told you guys to begin with. Eleanor died in the fire, an' Dyne went when he fell into that ravine. Now, could be that's it. I seen it both ways: some folks who've been adopted, they wanna know everything 'bout where they came from; some of 'em, they don't care."
"What if she does want to know everything? What if she asks us about him? It's one thing not to tell her, but I don't think I can lie to her."
"I know how you feel," said Barret, "but we gotta think about what's best for Marlene. How's it do her any good, learnin' that her birth father wanted to kill her? An' there's no way we could tell her how he really died without explainin' that."
"She could find out, though, that he didn't die four years ago. That it didn't happen until we went to that prison. I wouldn't want her hearing that from someone else."
"Don't figure that's too likely."
"But not impossible, right?"
It was an uncomfortable notion, the idea of Marlene ever seeing that prison town, those grave markers, but who knew what she would want when she was older. If she ever sensed that they were hiding something from her, maybe she'd want to seek out the truth. Tifa didn't think any of their friends would reveal it to her, but those prisoners would have pieced together that one of them had killed Dyne that day.
Barret frowned, glancing away. "...we oughtta see it comin,'" he reasoned, "if she gets that far. An' then... then maybe we tell her. Expect she'll be angry at first, but if we been doin' our jobs right 'til then, she'll understand."
"You think so?" Tifa wondered. It was hard enough for her to understand.
"Maybe we made some mistakes with how we been handlin' things--an' I ain't sayin' Dyne's one of 'em--but we do right by Marlene, don't we? We keep her safe an' looked after, an' I know I try to be the best man I can be, for her sake."
"...yeah."
Barret shook his head. "I'm hopin' she never has to find out about that day, though. Awful thing to know about your own father, even one you don't remember."
"I guess you're right. I'd be worried... she might start to think badly of herself, trying to find a reason for it." So it was better, wasn't it, for her never to know? If Tifa were to tell her, would it be for Marlene's sake, or just to alleviate some of her own guilt over carrying that secret around? She let out a breath. "It will be a while, before it comes up. I can figure out how to lie about it before then."
"I'm sorry you gotta be the one livin' with this, Teef."
"It wouldn't sit any easier with you. I'm just glad... you don't hate me for it."
"'course not," Barret said immediately. "You were protectin' my baby girl. And... protectin' me. Probably saved my life."
Tifa swallowed. He did understand what she'd done, didn't he? "You know I..."
"I know," he interrupted. "I don't just mean that day. I was bein' stupid-- wanted to think my friend was still in there, but I shoulda known the moment he said it. Dyne I knew woulda given his life for his family. Not... that."
Tifa leaned her head on his shoulder, saying nothing, and he put his arm around her.
"Think you'll be up for talkin' to her today?" he asked. "She misses you."
"Yeah. Just not right this second."
"Nah, I was thinkin' our usual time. We oughtta help the others runnin' errands. Don't really want Jessie pickin' out my clothes."
Tifa smiled. "Her fashion sense isn't so bad, but if the others get involved... who knows."
"Exactly."
Tifa drew a quick breath and got to her feet. "All right," she said. "Let's try to be normal."
"How's that go again?" Barret asked, and she just shrugged. When was the last time anything had been normal? At least they had each other to lean on.