Chapter 6
The next morning he woke was like no other. Despite the chaos in the night, Sephiroth felt more at peace than he ever had in his life. So many unknowns about himself remained, but it was all right, because the answers were at his fingertips.
He turned his head, and there she was: his mother, lying asleep in the next bed, only a little distance away. She maintained the illusion even asleep, of that woman he'd seen in the lab... He remembered how he'd imagined, for a little while, that maybe his own mother had held him with that same fierce care, in her last moments. And, maybe she had once. He hadn't thought to ask Vincent for the details of his birth.
But this wasn't Lucrecia. This was Jenova. Someone who hadn't asked for any part in it, but embraced him as her child just the same.
A ripple of unease disturbed his calm. She didn't resent him for it, deep down, did she? He was a product of her violation.
How could I blame you for something you had no part in? came her voice in his mind, and she opened her eyes to meet his. She was awake after all.
I did have a part, he thought.
And do you resent me for mine? After all, carrying my cells meant a life of suffering and isolation for you.
No, he thought vehemently. No, of course I don't resent you.
Then we're the same, you see? Neither one of us chose this, but it bonds us.
Sephiroth relaxed. It did, didn't it? They were the only two who'd been party to that against their will.
Although...
Vincent hadn't consented, had he? He had never wanted his son used for an experiment.
But he thought you were someone else's, so he didn't make much protest, did he?
Maybe not, Sephiroth had to concede. And maybe he was someone else's, though the thought made him grimace. He kept pushing Vincent away, but he didn't want the man to be a lie. Flawed as he was, anyone was better than Hojo.
Even a father who might have attacked his mother in the night?
Jenova was still watching him, but she didn't comment. Sephiroth sat up in bed and swung his feet to the floor. Zack, of course, was still asleep, never the early riser.
And now, there was no need to wake him. There were no more missions. If they were done with Shinra, then they were done with being soldiers. Sephiroth looked down at his hands. What did that make him then?
He didn't know yet, but for once, he knew what he wanted in the moment.
"Would you care for breakfast, Mother?" he asked her.
"Hadn't you better deal with Vincent first?" she said.
Of course. After last night, she couldn't be at ease until he'd gone on his way. "You're right," he said. "I'll take care of it."
He dressed, save for his armor, and his fingers slowed as he buckled his coat. He hadn't worn the standard SOLDIER uniform in years, but people had come to associate these clothes with his command. This was the uniform of the Great Sephiroth.
Was it time for that to change, too?
Not today.
Sephiroth stepped out into the hallway to find Vincent asleep on the floor beneath the windows. He looked pathetic. Barefoot, his ruined boots discarded in the corner, his thin body curled beneath that cape as though it were all he had in the world.
And if Sephiroth rejected him, wasn't it? The same as his mother... Neither of them had anyone else in the world. Neither of them knew this world, they'd been kept out of it for so long.
Why was he comparing them?
Sephiroth shut the door behind him. "Vincent," he said.
The man stirred, then slowly sat up. He lifted his clawed hand as if to rub his eyes, then thought better of it. "Sephiroth," he said, and faltered on saying anything more.
"You wanted to be on your way, didn't you?"
"Yes..." Vincent got to his feet, and glanced down at himself. His ruined shirt and his borrowed pants and bare feet. He frowned.
"There's a general store next door," said Sephiroth.
"I don't have any money."
"Of course you don't," Sephiroth acknowledged wryly. Nothing but the clothes on his back and his weapon, which Hojo had probably left him as some sort of twisted joke. Now Sephiroth had taken it, and the holster lay somewhere in the yard out back, where it had torn loose. "I'll pay for it," he went on. "And, you can take the truck."
"Truck?" Vincent repeated.
"You didn't think we walked here, did you?"
Vincent gave his head a shake. "No. But..."
"I doubt they've changed much in the past twenty-five years, but you can take Cloud, too, if you need a driver."
"You're generous this morning."
Sephiroth shrugged. "No reason to be stingy with things I don't need."
They left the inn, ignoring the innkeeper as he attempted to start a conversation, and stepped out into the morning air. The rain had stopped, but it must have continued throughout most of the night because the ground was muddy, and the world smelled of damp.
"I realize I never actually apologized," said Vincent, "for last night. I caused you alarm over Jenova, and I attacked you. I'm sorry."
Sephiroth frowned at him. Vincent didn't care that he'd hurt Jenova, he only cared that it had caused Sephiroth grief. Was that enough of an apology? If Vincent had been the one to attack her... It was plain he'd disliked Jenova from the beginning, but he hadn't shown himself to be easily riled. Perhaps he didn't like that she had taken on the role of his mother; perhaps he took it as an insult to his beloved Lucrecia.
Could he forgive that?
"It doesn't seem you did any serious harm," he said coolly. "But you should learn to control yourself."
"I know," said Vincent. "Perhaps it's for the best, my going away for a few days. If it happens again, it won't be around you."
The statement made Sephiroth uneasy, for some reason. If he wasn't there... "What if you can't change back, on your own?"
Vincent's hand stilled on the door to the general store, just short of pushing it open. He looked at Sephiroth, a quiet fear flashing across his face. "I..."
"I'm sending Cloud with you," Sephiroth decided, "to watch your back. There's little danger between here and Cosmo Canyon, so if nothing catches you off-guard, you should be fine."
Right?
Vincent's expression changed, warming with the offer. "...thank you," was all he said, but there was something more behind it. Did he think it was kindness Sephiroth was showing him?
He just wanted a definitive answer. He couldn't get one if Vincent lost his humanity in some beast before he could even submit to a test. That was all.
Maybe it wasn't all. If this really was his father, Sephiroth didn't want to lose him to that before he'd had a chance to know him. Funny, a few days ago he'd never thought to want a father, thought he already had the worst possible, and now it was something to fear losing.
He didn't like that. Maybe it was a point in Hojo's favor. He'd be glad to be rid of that man.
Vincent finally opened the door into the shop, and they stepped inside.
Word must have spread about how Sephiroth had supposedly taken care of the monsters, and the shopkeeper was perfectly solicitous, never saying a word about Vincent's state of dress despite her obvious curiosity. It made Sephiroth vaguely uncomfortable with his lie, but he could hardly tell these people that the monsters were nothing to worry about because his mother would care for them.
He wondered what kind of lives they would be able to lead. The one that had broken loose during their first inspection had screamed in such pain, part of him still felt it would be better to put them all down. What kind of existence was that?
His gaze fell on Vincent, who had sat down to wipe his feet so he could pull on new boots. What had he felt, as that monster? How far from human had been the thoughts in his head? How far from himself?
Sephiroth didn't know how to ask him, and he didn't know if he wanted the answers.
Sephiroth paid for the clothes and for some provisions for the trip. Vincent thanked him again, but it was the company's money, and it hardly bothered him to use it. Though, he supposed money was something he would have to start worrying about. Maybe he ought to claim his final paycheck before leaving, he considered wryly.
He bade Vincent wait outside the inn, recovered his gun from the room, and confirmed that Cloud hadn't shown up in the time they'd been gone. He handed Vincent's weapon back to him as they crossed the square to the boy's house. Sephiroth knocked on the door.
A woman answered, obviously Cloud's mother, though they hadn't been introduced. "Oh!" she exclaimed and, glancing behind her, stepped out into the street to speak with them. "I heard the mission was over, so I thought I'd let him sleep," she said, addressing him without the cautious respect most people granted him on a first meeting. She spoke to him instead like a peer. "You aren't leaving already, are you?"
"Not precisely," said Sephiroth. "But there is an errand I need to send him on."
"An errand?"
"Yes. It may take a few days."
"That sounds like a little more than an errand," Cloud's mother remarked, arching her eyebrows.
Sephiroth had no response to that. "Could you wake him?" he asked.
"I can," she said, "but I'm not going to let him skip breakfast just because you're impatient. I'll even invite you to join us; I don't know how often it is that you sit down for a home-cooked meal."
"I have other plans," said Sephiroth. "But, you can take Vincent off my hands."
"Oh?" Her attention shifted. "You aren't Shinra. Are the two of you related?"
They exchanged glances. Neither of them answered her.
"Sephiroth," Vincent began quietly, "before I leave, I do still need..."
"...the blood sample," Sephiroth finished, frowning. His mind went to the lab equipment in the mansion basement, but it was not only old but unnecessary. He'd been through enough tests to know. "A dried sample should be perfectly viable. Mrs. Strife, do you happen to have a napkin, and something sharp?"
"Well, yes," she said, "but now you've got me deathly curious." She waited, looking between them in hopes of some explanation, but when neither of them provided one, she sighed and disappeared into the house.
"Can I ask you one favor while I'm gone?" said Vincent.
"What is it?"
"Don't go back to the reactor with her. Not yet."
Sephiroth didn't answer right away. Did Vincent worry that Jenova was lying about that, too? That she wouldn't be able to control them? Or, maybe he worried how she might command them... Even though her anger was with Shinra, not the village. Still...
"I hadn't planned on returning just yet," he said, "so I suppose I can wait for you."
Vincent nodded. "Thank you."
Cloud's mother returned shortly with a cloth napkin and a kitchen knife. Sephiroth cut his thumb and let the blood soak into the cloth. He handed it to Vincent, and they parted without saying much of anything. Sephiroth returned to the inn, and his eyes fell on the telephone in the lobby.
"Wanting to make another call, are you?" asked the innkeeper, and this time he didn't grumble so much at being kicked out of the room.
Sephiroth dialed Tseng. "Have you found anything?" he asked.
"Yes," was the answer. "I have."
"Well?"
"Vincent Valentine was indeed a member of the Turks for roughly six years. He was assigned to Professor Gast for the last two of them, and was reported killed on Mt. Nibel in the performance of his duties. Dr. Lucrecia Crescent was a member of Gast's team at the time, but there isn't much to her file. Evidently she left the company a few months after Valentine's death."
"Left?" Sephiroth repeated. "You mean to say she's alive?"
"I have no idea," Tseng stated calmly. "Her record ends with her resignation twenty-five years ago."
Sephiroth hesitated. Just because it was in her official record didn't make it true. After all, Vincent wasn't dead.
"Was she married?" he asked.
"Yes," Tseng confirmed, "but her husband's name isn't listed."
Hojo. He never would have wanted Sephiroth to find a connection like that, would he? Her child couldn't have been listed either, unless Tseng had chosen to omit it. "Was it Hojo who reported Vincent's death?"
"Correct again, though Dr. Crescent corroborated the report. Gast was at Headquarters at the time."
Sephiroth frowned. More of Hojo's lies, or had his mother betrayed Vincent by choosing to cover for her husband? Had she known Vincent was locked in that basement?
But if she'd lived, if she'd chosen Hojo, then why hadn't he known her? Something must have happened to her. Maybe Hojo had forced her out anyway. Or...
A chill ran through him. Lucrecia must have had Jenova cells in her own body, after the pregnancy. Had she become, to Hojo, nothing more than another test subject? Had she ever really left Shinra? Had Hojo kept all three of his parents locked away from him, all these years?
"Have both files ready for me for when I return to Midgar," Sephiroth told Tseng. "I'll want to see them."
"Understood."
"Did you have any trouble accessing them?"
"No," said Tseng, "but access is restricted outside Shinra executives, and the Turks."
"You mean, SOLDIER has no access?"
"Correct."
Sephiroth fought back a scoff. How obvious. "Thank you for your assistance then," he said.
"Of course," said Tseng.
Sephiroth hung up the phone. Why did it feel like so many of these answers only brought him farther from knowing anything? What sort of person had Lucrecia really been? Was there still a chance for him to find out for himself?
Are you worried you could be like her?
Maybe. She didn't sound like someone who thought of anyone but herself. Did people think otherwise of him?
Sometimes we have to be selfish for our own survival. It isn't the same.
Sephiroth glanced above him, to where Jenova waited. Today wasn't about survival. He called the innkeeper back to ask him about breakfast and then returned to the room.
Zack woke when the food arrived, though Sephiroth wished he'd gone on sleeping. Zack didn't share Vincent's obvious antipathy towards Jenova, but he asked silly questions. He was in the way. But after the meal was over, Jenova at last said the words he'd been most eager for.
"Well, then. Shall we get to your first lesson in the ways of the Cetra?"
"I would like nothing more," said Sephiroth.
"Can I watch?" asked Zack.
"No," Sephiroth found himself snapping, and his friend looked crestfallen. He tried to go on more gently. "I want some time alone with my mother. That's all."
Zack nodded. "You're right. I get it. But you absolutely have got to show me if you learn anything cool, all right?"
Sephiroth let out a sigh; Zack really was a child sometimes. "No promises," he said.
He and Jenova left the inn, and she led the way north out of the village, into the valley beyond. The Nibel mountains surrounded them on all sides, and the sun had yet to climb high enough for its light to touch the earth between them.
"He really finds you fascinating," Jenova remarked, "that friend of yours."
"Fascinating?"
"He always wants to know everything that's going on. Being in your orbit has given him so many stories. He must be dying to relate them to someone."
Sephiroth shook his head. "Zack likes to talk, but he's loyal. He's not about to go spilling my secrets."
"You have a lot of faith in him," she observed.
"He's earned it. After all, it hasn't mattered one wit to him that I'm not human."
"That seems like a low bar for friendship. You're better than human. You're a Cetra."
Sephiroth glanced at her. He'd always wanted to think that--that whatever made him different made him superior, even as he worried it meant there was something wrong with him. But it struck him differently, hearing her say it aloud like that. "Some humans aren't so bad," he said.
"Can you name any others, for certain?"
He faltered. Most of his relationships were strictly professional, and with members of a company he now understood to be his enemy. He hadn't made up his mind yet about Vincent, if the man could still be called human, so was he certain of anyone besides Zack? The people of this village seemed fine, on the surface, but he didn't know them.
"Do you think we'd be safe among these villagers," Jenova wondered, "if they were to find out what we are?"
"We're stronger than they are," Sephiroth reasoned. "We're in no danger from any of them."
"But you agree. They would hardly accept us."
Zack had. How much of an outlier was he? He stood out in SOLDIER, Sephiroth knew, so maybe he stood out in general. Sephiroth remembered the distrust the villagers had shown after he'd shut himself up in the Shinra mansion--worried for themselves. Not unreasonable, but not remarkable.
"Most humans fear what they don't understand, it's true," he said. "Maybe that's a reason to pity them."
Jenova said nothing, her expression falling into a frown, as though she thought his response too forgiving.
"...were they enemies of the Cetra, in your time?"
Jenova considered the question. "They were enemies of the Planet," she decided. "I see that hasn't changed."
"We can begin to rectify that, you and I," he proposed.
"Yes," she agreed. "But first I must teach you. Being raised by them has left you as ignorant as they are."
The village was out of sight behind them, and they came to a stop in the shadow of the mountains.
"Where do we begin?" Sephiroth asked eagerly. "Will you teach me to understand our connection? So I can know your mind, too?"
"I think it best we begin with something easier, more familiar to you. You're used to casting magic using materia, correct?"
"Yes..."
"You don't need that, being what you are."
Sephiroth blinked, but it was obvious when she pointed it out. "Materia is only a conduit. A vessel for the knowledge of the Ancients."
Jenova smiled. "Precisely. But you are a Cetra. You understand that magic intuitively, though you've never realized it. You only need to learn how to harness that consciously."
Sephiroth nodded. "I'm ready," he said.
It took time. The sun crested the mountains and continued its journey over the valley. But by the time its light shown behind the western peaks, he had mastered it. Every spell he had ever channeled through materia, he could summon it instead through himself, unreliant on anything else.
Though he thought he would feel... more connected, to the Planet. The source of the magic. Jenova assured him that it answered his call so perfectly that he would never feel that it was something outside of himself. He shook it off.
"That's enough for today," said Jenova. "You've made great progress."
"You did call them simple tricks, though," Sephiroth recalled. "Elemental magic."
"It's true," she conceded, "these are things a child would know. But, you never had the chance for that upbringing. The rest will come, in time."
Sephiroth nodded, mollified. In time, he thought. "Shall we head back?"
"You go on. I want to stay a while, here in the company of nothing but the Planet. You understand."
He did. Being around humans was hard for her, and even Sephiroth's company had to be draining. He'd never fit in with them, but he'd never known any other kind of people. Their ways of thinking and behaving would always be a part of him, something even she couldn't train out of him entirely. He was of two worlds, and for a while, she only wanted to be in hers.
Sephiroth walked unhurriedly back to the village. The streetlamps were beginning to flicker on as the sun sank behind the mountains. He paused as he reached the gate to the mansion, and looked up at the dark building beyond. Had it really only been a few days ago that he'd shut himself up inside it, seeing nothing? He'd been so close to believing that he'd found all there was for him to know.
There was so much more.
His feet carried him back inside of it anyway, though different thoughts occupied his mind now that he knew something of what had happened here. Who among them had played the piano, and who had taken the time to sit for tea? Whose things had been left behind here, and could he call any of them an inheritance? Whose pet project was the greenhouse upstairs? Which rooms had his parents slept in?
Maybe he shouldn't have sent Vincent away. After finding Jenova, he hadn't expected to feel that anything was missing, that any answers were beyond his reach, but she didn't know about this world, and it was still half of what he was. And, he had to admit, it was more grounded in things he knew, easier to imagine. He'd only ever imagined human things.
He wondered if some part of him still wanted to be human. Being Cetra was better than human... but it was lonelier.
Sephiroth returned to the inn, finding Zack there, finishing up a solitary dinner.
"Hey!" he greeted, waving a fork. "How'd it go today?"
Struck by a sudden impulse, Sephiroth didn't answer him. Instead, he strode to the Masamune, plucked the materia from the hilt, and tossed the first of them to Zack.
"Woah, careful. What is this, am I getting a lesson?"
"I'm giving them to you," Sephiroth declared. "I don't need them."
Zack stared, hands frozen awkwardly around fork and materia both. "What?"
"You do remember what materia is, don't you?"
"It contains the knowledge and wisdom of the Ancients, so that... oh. Oh! So you're casting spells all on your own now?"
Sephiroth shrugged. "It's basic, for a Cetra. But I'm late coming to all of this."
"Hey, I'm impressed," said Zack, carefully setting the materia down on the table. "You figured that out in just one day. I bet there were Cetra who took weeks and weeks at it, back in the day."
Sephiroth snorted. "You have no idea what the Cetra were like, Zack."
"Yeah, but I know you. You're an overachiever. But that's great, you know, that she taught you that." He paused, finally noticing. "Where is she, anyway?"
"She wanted to have some time alone with the Planet. It's... been a long time, since she's had the freedom to do that."
"Yeah... I guess that's been hard on her, on top of everything else. I can't even imagine. How do you start coming to terms with all that? She seem like she's adjusting okay to you?"
"She seems uneasy being among humans," Sephiroth considered, "but I think she's doing remarkably well given the circumstances."
Zack nodded thoughtfully. He fiddled with his fork, tapping it against his plate. "And what about you? Is she helping you deal?"
"It's... good to be understood. There is no pretending with her."
"You think it's something you'll have to keep secret from everybody? The whole Cetra thing?"
"Did you expect otherwise?"
Zack shrugged. "Not really. It just sucks, you know? If there's only a handful of people you can be honest with."
"I don't care to talk much about myself anyway," Sephiroth pointed out.
"I guess. Ahh, maybe I'm just projecting. You know I'd hate it."
Sephiroth joined him at the table and set the rest of the materia down at its center. Then, remembering what his mother had said to him, he looked at Zack, watching his face carefully. "You would never tell anyone, would you?"
Zack blinked at him, his expression completely open. "About you? Of course not, not if you don't want me to."
"That's what I thought."
"Your mom worried about you playing with humans?" Zack asked with a smirk.
"Playing?"
"It's just- you know. It's pretty normal for moms to worry about some of the friends you make growing up."
"Not when you're an adult?" Sephiroth wondered.
"Uh... Actually, I guess I wouldn't know," Zack admitted, scratching his head. "I haven't talked to my mom in... a while."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. We were never that close. My folks are nice people and all, but they never really got me. Wonder if that would've been different if they could literally read my mind..."
"I'm not sure that's a power anyone wants," Sephiroth commented wryly.
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't want to know how your mind works, Zack. It's... more interesting, being on the outside."
Zack regarded him flatly. "You know, I know you don't mean it that way, but I'm going to take that as a compliment."
Sephiroth smirked. "So what did you do today anyway? You didn't spend all day at the inn."
"Oh, I hung out with Tifa."
"I thought you had a girlfriend."
"I don't know whether to be happy you actually remembered that, or offended that you think I'd cheat on her."
"You are very friendly with her," Sephiroth pointed out.
"I'm friendly with everyone!" Zack protested. "Besides, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah. Anyway, you're one to talk."
Sephiroth sat back. "Me? I- don't even know how to flirt."
"The girls are all over you, man."
Sephiroth shook his head. "It's the war hero nonsense. It doesn't seem to matter what I say to them."
"Hmm." Zack tapped his lip thoughtfully. "Well, this is something your mom's definitely not gonna teach you. And... you probably don't wanna learn it from Vincent, either. Nice enough guy, but uh, picking up married women is kinda questionable."
"I'm not interested in picking up women, Zack."
"Oh! Guys?"
"I meant--" Sephiroth felt his face grow hot. "Look, I have one friend. I... want to know how to deal with that, first."
Zack's eager grin softened into something more genuine. "Well, I'm flattered. All right. But I am basically an expert on friendship, and you're a fast learner, remember? We'll have you picking up the genders of your choice in no time."
Sephiroth threw him an exasperated look. He'd never spared any thought for this nonsense before. Then again, he'd named it nonsense because it was a game he didn't know how to play, yet another thing that left him on the outside.
Zack lifted a finger. "Two days ago, you didn't even acknowledge we were friends. I'd call that significant progress."
Maybe it was. A week ago, he'd prided himself on being a loner. Insisted on it. That had begun to crumble at the slightest chance that he might have family that wasn't Hojo. Having even a handful of people he could be honest with... That was new.
"...as my friend," he said slowly, "what do you honestly think of my mother?"
Zack screwed up his face in discomfort. "Honestly? I don't know," he said. "I'm still not clear exactly what happened with her and Vincent last night, but she... kinda puts me on edge. I don't know how much of that's just from how she looks, though."
"Because she looks like someone you know?"
"You know how much you and Vincent look alike? It's like that, with her and my girlfriend. Except she hasn't got any sisters."
Sisters? "Zack, this woman is a memory of mine, from seventeen years ago. She wouldn't look like that today."
"Seven..." Zack was staring at him again, and then he shook his head. "No, no, but I've met Aeris's mom. They're not the same woman. That'd be crazy."
"Aeris... I've heard that name before."
"Sure, I've talked about her before, you just don't really listen."
"I always listen. You've been dating her since last April, but you've only ever referred to her as your girlfriend."
"Wait, you listen?"
Sephiroth held up a hand to quiet him. "...I remember now. Aeris. She was a heroine in a storybook Professor Gast favored." A book Hojo had disposed of shortly after taking over the department.
Zack relaxed. "So, another coincidence."
"I wonder."
"Please don't drag my girlfriend into the weird that is your life," said Zack, putting his hands together.
"You don't want me to meet her?" Sephiroth wondered.
"Not if you're bringing this kind of vibe, no."
"I suppose I'll just have to ask Hojo then, when I go to see him."
"I thought you hated Hojo."
"Yes, I'm going to kill him."
Zack sat back in his chair. "Oh. When did you decide on that?"
"I've wanted to for a long time, but now there's nothing to prevent me. I won't let Shinra own me anymore."
Zack was quiet for a moment, looking at him as though trying to figure out whether he were serious. "...you think you'll need backup?" he asked.
"You're volunteering," Sephiroth observed. It wasn't even a question.
"Yeah, I guess I am."
Sephiroth shook his head, unable to help a small smile. "I'm going to wind up owing you a lot of favors, aren't I?"
"It's not really in the spirit of friendship to keep track," said Zack. "But yeah. Probably. Don't worry, though: I'm a simple guy, with simple needs."
Simple needs. "I haven't eaten since this morning," Sephiroth said. "I don't suppose you want anything else?"
"Oh! See if they've got dessert, will you? I forgot to ask."
"All right," Sephiroth agreed. Simple.
He left the room and descended the stairs slowly, feeling strange. He didn't know what to name the feeling, except to think that his life before hadn't been in color. It had been nothing but grey, and he'd not only allowed it to be that, but encouraged it. Now, there was so much in it that he didn't recognize.
He was beginning to belong to people, and maybe in some ways it could be enough.
But then he had to laugh at himself. How sentimental he was becoming.
Was it a bad thing?
Everyone in his life had discouraged it, save Zack. And how many of them had sought to control him, for their own purposes? His feelings were something they had no use for. To live in them now was a kind of rebellion.
His bond with his mother was sentiment, surely. Something Hojo had never wanted him to have, because in the end, it would make him stronger.