Chapter 19
Cloud and the others returned in the evening with the Huge Materia, a rough chunk of crystal that spoke volumes of power with just a touch of the finger. Reeve went to retrieve the others from Gold Saucer, and they brought dinner back with them, as even Aeris and Tifa, used to the Midgar slums, were a little dubious of the food in North Corel. Lacking a table, they'd formed circles on the floor of the inn to eat. Yuffie and Nanaki alone seemed more comfortable that way.
"I see you cut the rest of your hair," Reno commented.
Aeris looked up at the remark, and raised a hand to finger the severed ends of her hair as if to confirm it. "Yes," she said. "It looked silly with just the front still long."
"Why'd you cut it anyway?" he wondered, and was about to add something else when Yuffie elbowed him sharply and shot him a glare. The redhead winced and gave her a confused look. "Am I not allowed to ask?"
"Sephiroth cut it," Aeris explained quietly before Yuffie could interject.
There was a brief silence, and then Reno shrugged. "Well, it's not a bad look for you, 'ris. I think it's sexy."
"In that case, I'll just have to grow it out again."
"You're cruel."
Aeris ignored him to return to her meal, but she couldn't help a small smile. It was nice, not to have Reno at least treating her like she was damaged and had to be handled with care.
Cloud came over to join them, but he didn't sit down. The four of them looked up at him, and he faltered, glancing uncertainly at Reno, Yuffie, and Nanaki before focusing his gaze on Aeris.
"Aeris, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked quietly.
She couldn't think what he might want, but it was probably important, and she nodded. "Of course."
He motioned for her to follow him outside, avoiding everyone's gaze now. She got to her feet and trailed after him as he led the way out of the disheveled inn and around back, where they were out of sight and out of hearing. There, he leaned back against the rock wall that ran alongside the inn, staring pensively down at his feet and saying nothing.
"What is it?" she asked, stopping near him and peering up at his face.
"I just wanted to ask you something," he said, voice still low.
Aeris drew back slightly. Something felt... off. "...go ahead. What is it?"
Cloud looked up to meet her gaze, and she knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. His eyes slid over her, taking in her body the way Sephiroth's had sometimes done. She took a step back.
"I just wanted to ask... if you enjoyed it."
"No," she answered quickly. "Damn you, leave Cloud out of this."
Cloud's voice took on a cool tone which Cloud had often tried for but never achieved. "Why? You know, I thought you might appreciate my attentions more if they were administered through this body. I've seen how you look at him. But the puppet is a bit dense, isn't he?"
"Let him go," she said, trying to keep her voice firm. "You don't need him for anything; you've summoned Meteor. And if you wanted me for something, you should have kept me. Release him!"
Cloud stepped away from the wall and grabbed her shoulders before she could run. "His body may not be as strong as mine, but it is still stronger than yours. I can force you if you're unwilling. You know it."
Aeris stared at him. "Let me go, Sephiroth," she pleaded. "Let us both go. This is too cruel."
He smirked. Gods, it was terrible seeing his expressions on Cloud's face. Cloud could be callous, but he wasn't cruel. He did not leer. He did not threaten rape. He had hurt her, but he had never meant to.
She shut her eyes, trying to block it out and gain a moment to think.
He pulled her against him, holding her tightly and entirely too close. Cloud was much shorter than Sephiroth. His body felt different pressed against hers and his voice was different in her ear.
"A reminder then," he whispered, "before I go."
He caught her mouth roughly in his. Some instinct told her to kiss back--this was Cloud!--but she forced herself to struggle. This was not Cloud.
He seemed to have no trouble pinning her arms and holding her still. She hadn't thought him that strong. If he tried anything... If he really did try to... She could use her magic against him. That was an option which she had not had with Sephiroth.
But after several moments, she felt his grip loosen and his kiss soften. Cloud drew back and looked at her in disorientation. "...Aeris?"
She sagged against him, relieved. "It's you," she managed.
He seemed unsure of what to do with his hands. "What..." He stopped, and she felt him tense. "What did I just--?" He pulled back from her, frantically searching her eyes. "Aeris, what did he do to you? What was he talking about?"
Aeris bit her lip, regretting it instantly when she found it swollen and tender. "Don't worry about it, Cloud. As long as you're all right now."
He shook his head. "No, I know what I... what Sephiroth made me do just now." He flushed, as she'd lost the decency to do. "What did he do to you before we found you? What was he talking about?"
Her heart missed a beat as she realized she couldn't get him to just drop this, and she searched her mind desperately for something terrible enough to fit Cloud's fears but not as terrible as the truth. "I... He... He touched me. And kissed me, once. For a moment, I thought he might... But he didn't. He didn't."
Concern lay plain on his face, and anger just beneath. She was sure he wanted simultaneously to comfort her and to rip Sephiroth's head off. "Aeris..."
She offered him a shaky smile. "Don't worry about it. He didn't, and I'm all right. Just... Please don't tell anyone about it. I didn't want anyone to know."
"But Aeris--"
"Please. They don't need to know."
He hesitated for a long moment, and then finally nodded. "All right. I won't."
"Thank you." She turned away from him, still working to calm herself. "Now let's get back to the inn."
Cloud looked around and cursed. "He could have had me do anything he wanted out here, and no one would've heard a thing."
Aeris glanced up at him pityingly. It was one thing to be weak. It was another thing entirely to have no control over your own body. "I wouldn't have let you," she told him. "If he hadn't let you go, I would have put up a fight. I just... I was hoping I wouldn't have to."
He regarded her uncertainly, as though evaluating whether or not she could have overpowered him. He didn't seem convinced. "Still, I..."
"It's not your fault."
"That's why it bothers me."
"I know," Aeris said. "Maybe if you stopped doubting yourself so much, it wouldn't be so easy for him."
Cloud didn't answer, and she could think of nothing else to say. They walked back in silence.
Aeris woke before her friends and slid out of bed, careful not to wake Reno. She walked barefoot outside and sat down by the door. The sun had not yet risen, but the sky was lightening behind the mountains to the east. How many mornings like this did they have left?
She longed to be able to talk to someone, really talk to someone, without having to hide anything. She wanted to let go all these efforts to keep herself together, and let herself be weak, just for a moment. It was hard, having to be strong for her friends, having to reassure them, having to prove she didn't need their sympathy. It was lonely. She'd always been used to loneliness, but now more than ever, she wanted it gone.
But who could she possibly confide in? Her mother would have only sympathy, and that was the last thing Aeris wanted. She was sure it would only make her break down. The Planet wouldn't understand. And her friends? They might even pity her, and she doubted most of them would keep a secret like hers from each other. She was lucky she'd convinced Cloud to, and he didn't even know the full extent of it. If he had, it would have spread slowly amongst their group, one final addition to a long list of reasons to kill Sephiroth.
What about Reno? she wondered suddenly. He could certainly keep a secret, and though he might feel sympathy, it wasn't like him to show her any. He knew her better than the others. And yet... She didn't want to tell him. Part of her, she realized, was afraid it might change his opinion of her.
She went down her list of companions, considering and soon dismissing each. Cloud? No. Tifa? No. Reeve? Surely not. Nanaki? No; although he was wiser than most humans, he was nevertheless a child, and would not understand.
Finally she was left with... Vincent? He was practically a stranger, and beneath his silent facade lay tens of untold secrets. Aeris was sure another would disappear with them easily enough, and somehow she felt he might even understand. He would think no less of her, and she had no friendship with him that could be harmed anyway.
It was settled then, if she could work up the nerve for it.
Aeris gave a start as Tifa sat down beside her without a word of greeting. The Cetra eyed her friend uncertainly for a moment. "Good morning," she said, forcing a smile.
Tifa only frowned.
"What's wrong?"
"Sephiroth isn't your only reason for staying with us, is he?" the brunette asked bitterly.
Aeris blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Please don't play dumb, Aeris. It doesn't suit you." Tifa's tone was harsh, and a sudden anxiety gripped her. What if she had seen...?
"But I really don't know what you--"
"Last night?" Tifa interrupted. "You don't remember?"
She had. "You... You saw that?"
"I did."
Aeris opened her mouth, but Tifa cut her off.
"I really shouldn't have anything against it, I know. It just... hurts, being sure. And I wish that you had told me. I mean, I'd suspected you felt something for him since we met, but you never acted on it. I always thought it was out of respect for me--stupid for me to think so, really. How long have you two been sneaking around? Or was that the first time?"
"Tifa--"
"It didn't look like the first time to me, but what do I know? I was never in love before Cloud. But, well... Good luck to the both of you, I guess. But don't tell him that I... Don't tell him. I don't want to hurt him." She started to get up. No doubt she had turned these words over and over in her mind the night before, carefully prepared them, and now that she had said them, it was done with.
"Tifa, wait. Let me explain."
"Explain what? You don't have to explain yourself, Aeris. If you love each other, there's nothing I can do about it."
"But we don't!" Aeris exclaimed in frustration.
"You don't? Then why were you--?"
"That wasn't Cloud, it was..." She knew without finishing the sentence that it wouldn't clear up anything, not without explaining fully.
Sure enough, Tifa was eyeing her skeptically. "If you mean... Sephiroth, then that doesn't make any sense. Why would Sephiroth kiss you?"
"He..." Aeris faltered again. A reminder. She dropped her gaze. "Never mind," she said softly.
"So it really was Cloud?"
She pressed her lips together and said nothing.
"I thought so. It's nothing to be ashamed of. And I'm not angry. Really. I just... It hurts. But I'll get over it, so don't worry about me. And Cloud really shouldn't worry about me. I don't think he knows, so that's good."
"Tifa..." Aeris began.
"What is it?"
"I'm sorry," was all she could say.
Tifa hesitated. "Don't apologize," she said, then turned and went back inside.
Aeris stared after her. She wanted to cry, but doubted the tears would come. She could have explained everything to Tifa and undone this whole mess, but then Tifa would know. The same story she'd told Cloud wouldn't work with Tifa. She didn't want anyone to know, but to keep that secret, she'd broken her best friend's heart? For dignity's sake. Dignity!
Gods, was it really so hard to say those three words and be done with it? Three words. 'He raped me.' And whatever would come would come.
But she didn't want anyone to know. Was that so selfish of her? Aeris took a deep breath, let it out, and got to her feet. Surely this would all sort itself out somehow. For now, one thing at a time.
Aeris returned to the inn to find the others just beginning to wake. She tried to make herself invisible and went to gather her meager belongings. Both Cloud and Tifa avoided her gaze and each other's, each for different reasons. The others paid her no more mind than a nod or a good morning. Yuffie offered her a grin and an "Off we go again, huh?"
They left North Corel and boarded the airship with very few words exchanged. Everything had been decided the night before: they were headed for Fort Condor next. There was nothing to discuss.
She caught Vincent's attention as they were heading inside, and without a word, he hung back with her, letting the others disappear ahead of them onto the bridge. It wasn't until they had stepped aside to the Operations room that he spoke.
"What is it?"
"I just needed to talk to someone," Aeris answered, settling into one of the chairs before looking up to meet his gaze again. As expected, Vincent remained standing.
"And you chose me?" He actually sounded a little surprised.
"I... I can't talk to the others. I don't want them feeling sorry for me."
"You are seeking an indifferent ear."
"I guess I am," she admitted. "And... I know you won't tell the others, if I ask."
He nodded.
Aeris broke his gaze to stare at her feet. She wondered where she was supposed to start. She couldn't just blurt it out; he wouldn't understand that way. "Sephiroth... is a very confusing man," she began quietly. "Cloud talks about him as though the man he used to be and the man he is now are completely different. I don't think that's very true... He's not really mad, you know. What he is now was always there inside him. Nibelheim was just... the final straw."
She hesitated, and Vincent waited patiently. She couldn't tell what he made of her words, but somehow that didn't bother her. It was almost comforting in a way.
"Sometimes I thought that it wasn't too late to stop him, to change him, to 'bring him back to the good side,' or something storybook-ish like that. Other times he just seemed too cruel. He's trying, desperately, to prove something, and I think that's why he..."
She shook her head.
"It seems clear enough now that I acted stupidly. He said he wasn't going to kill me; he wanted to break me instead. Still, the Planet said he cared about me. So I kept on hoping. When we stayed a while at Holzoff's house..." Aeris stopped, realizing Vincent wouldn't know who Holzoff was. "That house near Gaea's Cliffs, I mean... When we stayed there, Sephiroth seemed almost... kind.
"But then he killed Holzoff, and at the top of the cliffs, he cut my hair and broke the White Materia, and in the crater, he... He..."
Her hands were clasped tightly, her knuckles white. "This is hard to say."
"Take your time," Vincent said softly.
She lowered her head further, kept her gaze locked on her hands, and felt glad for the hair that fell forward to hide her face. She took a steadying breath. She mouthed the words first, then finally managed to whisper, "He raped me."
Vincent said nothing, and she thought anxiously that he hadn't heard. She looked up slowly to find his usually neutral expression tinged with regret, and holding something like an apology. She quickly looked back at her hands.
"I will say nothing of this to the others," he said at last. "You have my word."
"Thank you."
There was a short, uncomfortable silence.
"I really don't know what to do anymore, Vincent," Aeris confessed. "I thought I was starting to figure things out, but when it comes down to it... I feel like a coward." She took another breath. "I was pregnant. I was going to be pregnant. But Hojo... he took it away from me. Gods and Planet both, I wouldn't have wanted the child, but..."
"Hojo cannot be allowed to raise it."
She nodded. "I don't think I'd have any reservations about killing Hojo. I don't care what made him the way he is. At least with Sephiroth, you can tell there's a person inside him somewhere."
"Lucrecia saw something in Hojo," Vincent said quietly, "although that does not make me hate him any less."
"Lucrecia...?"
"They were married," he explained sadly. "I doubt he wanted anything but to use her, but he was more subtle then. She saw something good in him, and of course they were both scientists, working on the Jenova Project under Professor Gast. I suppose he made more sense to her."
Aeris stared at him. He had spoken of Lucrecia before, when he'd joined them, but since then she hadn't heard Vincent breathe a word about his past. And now... "You don't mean... that Hojo is Sephiroth's...?"
"His father, yes."
"Gods..." She felt a stab of revulsion in Sephiroth's place. For that man to be anyone's father... "And he doesn't know! He hates Hojo, and if he found out... But no, he wouldn't believe it."
"One couldn't blame him."
"I tried to tell him, about Lucrecia, but even then he thought I was lying. I wonder what he really believes about where he came from."
Vincent hesitated. "Do you think... that he could still be persuaded to stop?"
Aeris looked at him in surprise. At first it struck her as strange that he would hope for such an end, but Sephiroth was Lucrecia's son, the son of the woman Vincent had loved. "I'm not so sure anymore," she said. "Persuaded? Probably not. I've tried with words, and they're not enough. It would take something incredible, because he thinks he's passed the point of no return."
"I see."
"I will try, Vincent. But I'm sure he'll just laugh."
He nodded.
Aeris pushed herself back up out of the chair. "Thank you for listening. I feel a little better now that I've told someone."
"You should tell the others eventually. Burdens like yours can only get heavier."
"Maybe once all this is over. Right now, I don't want to be reminded all the time of what happened, from how they'll look at me." She paused, and really looked at him. "You should think about taking your own advice. You've been carrying a lot around, when you've got a life you could be living. The Planet knows, I'm struggling now, but I'm not giving up."
Vincent nodded again, a little stiffly. "I... will try. And thank you, Aeris, for confiding in me."
She offered him a smile and left the room. She did feel better, having put some of her pent up feelings into words and gotten them out. Maybe now she could try to fix things with Cloud and Tifa. Maybe.
They arrived at Fort Condor too late to do anything but offer the people there their condolences and help pick up some of the pieces. Tarin, the old man in charge of the place, had given up the Huge Materia when the Shinra had fought past their hired mercenaries, and thankfully the soldiers had then left them alone.
"I guess that's it then," Yuffie was saying when they gathered later to figure things out. "The one we got'll still help though, right?"
"We're not through yet," Reno said. "There's still one more we might be able to snag."
Cloud frowned at him dubiously. "I thought you said they'd already gotten it from Nibelheim."
"I'm not talking about Nibelheim. I'm talking about Junon."
"Junon?" Aeris wondered.
Cloud shook his head. "Junon's a military base. They might as well have it already."
"Not exactly," Reno maintained. "The reactor's a little out of the way, and the way things're going with Weapon, my guess is that's the last one they'll want to transport."
"The hell's that mean?" Barret demanded.
"Scarlet's big cannon's been running off the stuff. They'll keep using it as long as they can to keep Weapon at bay."
"All right," Tifa said. "Suppose we do take it on. But where is the reactor?"
Reno answered with a grin: "Underwater."