Afterwards
There were nicer bars in Junon than this one. They catered to the high class citizens that supposedly lived there, with sleek designs and cool lighting. Their tables and counters were spotless, service was impeccable, and classy music played in the background. Reno had been to a few with Tseng, but he didn't care for them. You didn't go to those places to get drunk, you went to socialize or have fun. Reno nearly always went to bars to get drunk.
This bar was one he'd frequented back when he had worked for Shinra. Now, with Aeris, he'd made an effort not to get himself completely stoned every night. He hadn't thought she'd appreciate that. But he still came here on occasion, for the dim lighting and heavy atmosphere. The old television on the counter showed Shinra's news channel, but the reception was lousy and the volume turned low. By turns angry or mournful music played in the background. People talked over it, rowdy, drunk, and apathetic.
He was only on his second beer, but Reno was starting to feel like he ought to be headed home. He had no real desire to be here, but then again, he didn't feel like seeing Aeris just yet. Two months had passed since that final battle, but some days she wasn't much different than she had been then. Her pregnancy had started to show, and lately she'd been growing more and more pensive. It made Reno think a lot, too, and he wasn't sure if he appreciated it.
The television briefly caught his attention when the newscaster said something about an attack in Midgar earlier that day. It made him smile a little. A couple weeks after Meteor had been wiped out, reports had started popping up about a terrorist faction hanging around Midgar. People speculated on whether this was Avalanche again or a new group, but Reno knew it was Yuffie's gang. She'd called a few times, to ask after Aeris and tell them how things were going. She'd picked up a few new members recently, something the she was very proud of.
It was reassuring to see someone fighting Shinra, and gaining support. Maybe they'd win soon, and Shinra would be gone. Hell, he was even starting to get optimistic about it.
But what he was really hoping for was some way to cheer Aeris up, to get her back on her feet, to win her over. That, however, was not something he was optimistic about these days.
He glanced up when someone sat down near him, looked back at his beer, and then looked up again, startled. "Sephiroth?"
The bastard didn't reply.
"What the hell're you doing here?"
"She told me to rot," Sephiroth answered. "This seemed as good a place as any."
"Didn't she tell you she didn't want you around? Hell, there are plenty of other bars. Go back to Midgar, that's a good place to waste away."
"I have been in Midgar. I was beginning to get used to it, so I thought it time I moved on."
"But, fuck, why Junon?"
The bastard shrugged. "I did not know that you and Aeris were here. I will leave shortly."
"Why not leave now? Or do you wanna get yourself drunk first?"
"I can't."
"Huh?"
"Get drunk."
"Oh. Well, that sucks."
Sephiroth nodded slightly.
"Not that I'm sympathizing or anything."
"Of course." Still the bastard didn't move. He just sat where he was, slumped over the counter, staring sightlessly at the stained wood.
"Okay, seriously, why aren't you leaving?"
"I... I feel as though there is something I ought to be saying to you."
Reno snorted. "What, like an apology?"
Sephiroth shook his head. "Apologies are worthless. I just... How is Aeris anyway?"
"Why should you care?"
"Even I have emotions," the bastard said, something like sadness creeping into his voice. "That is part of what makes me such a monster."
The redhead frowned. "Yeah, I know. But you can't do anything for her even if I tell you how she is."
"Then I take it she still has not recovered."
"...no, she hasn't."
"Even with you to help her?"
Reno hesitated, surprised that he wanted to answer honestly. Maybe it was Sephiroth's manner, the way he seemed detached from everything. Like some kind of ghost, just drifting through. "There's only so much I can do if she won't let me help her," he said.
"She should know better," Sephiroth said quietly. "She told me once that I could be healed if I only wanted it."
"She wants it. That's not the problem."
"Then why doesn't she accept your help?"
Reno shook his head. "I don't know. She told me she wasn't ready for me. That's why she's not my girl anymore. 'course, she was never really serious about it. She's still not over you, I guess."
Sephiroth slowly lifted his head to look at the redhead. "Over me?"
He looked back at the bastard, incredulous at the incomprehension he saw there. "Fuck, don't tell me you didn't notice. You're not a complete idiot."
Sephiroth looked back at the counter, shaking his head. "I knew she cared. That was obvious. But, how could she possibly...?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Is that why she was crying when I left? Is that why she kept the child?"
Reno shook his head. "Maybe. She has a lot of reasons for keeping it."
The bastard slid back into his slumped position. "How is her pregnancy coming?"
"I guess it's a little more than two months now. She seems okay, but she won't see any doctors. Can't say I blame her."
"It still amazes me that she went back to Hojo."
Reno didn't know quite what to say to that. He remembered that Hojo was Sephiroth's father, but had no idea if anyone had told him. "If she was scared, she did a good job of hiding it."
"I don't think you realize what it meant for her. I once threatened to hand her over to Hojo, and she said she would rather remain with me. She feared him far more than me."
"Was that before or after you raped her?" Reno asked suddenly, sharply.
Sephiroth answered without hesitation. "Before."
"I figured as much."
The bastard said nothing for a moment. Then he slid out of the stool and turned away. "I am going now. Don't mention this to Aeris."
"Why would I? It's not like you said anything memorable."
He looked back to meet Reno's gaze. "Just don't mention that I was here. She won't want to hear about me."
Reno shrugged. "I won't say anything."
Sephiroth nodded, satisfied. "Goodbye then."
"Hope we don't meet again. Have a shitty life."
The bastard laughed, a curt and bitter sound, and left the bar.
Reno watched him go with a frown and then returned to his drink. Sephiroth had seemed pretty dejected, but it hadn't given the redhead the satisfaction he would have liked. Maybe he'd have preferred a more violent punishment.
Or maybe it bothered him because there'd been something in Sephiroth's manner akin to what Aeris was going through.
He grimaced, downed the last of his beer, and got to his feet. He didn't want to stick around here any longer. It was about time he got back to Aeris. Even if she was already asleep, he could at least be there in case she woke with a nightmare. At least she was having fewer of those lately.
Reno stepped out of the bar and cursed; it was raining. It had been raining a lot recently, and he was getting pretty sick of it. The rain made the city seem more like Midgar, dreary and depressing Midgar. Junon was supposed to have nice weather, with the sort of rain good for kissing in. Maybe it was just his mood that made it seem so shitty.
He didn't have an umbrella, and he didn't bother with any make-do attempts at shielding himself from the downpour. He just walked a little faster, knowing he'd be soaked by the time he made it back to his apartment.
"Just my luck," he muttered, and walked on.
He felt no relief on reaching his apartment building. He took the stairs up to his floor, unlocked his door, and stepped inside without calling out a hello. He kicked off his shoes and was starting to shrug out of his jacket when Aeris walked into the room.
"You're still up," he said with some surprise.
"Oh, you're soaked," she said, ignoring his remark. She took his jacket to hang it up. "You should've taken an umbrella."
"You know I don't think ahead like that, 'ris."
"Don't give me that." She turned back to him. "And you could've come home earlier. It wasn't raining so hard an hour ago."
"Sorry. Did you miss me?"
"Yes," she admitted. "Now go change into some dry clothes before you drip all over everything."
Reno did as she wanted, heading into the bedroom they now shared and stripping bare. He returned to the living room in a dry pair of pants to find her settling down on the couch. He sat down next to her.
"So what's on your mind?" he asked.
She looked sheepish. "Is it that obvious?"
"You just have that look on your face like you wanna talk about something."
Aeris shook her head. "I don't think you'll want to hear it. It's just the same as always."
"Oh." He resituated himself on the couch. "Well, you might as well get it off your chest. Might help you think about it less, and that's in my best interest in the end."
She nodded, and after a few moments she did start speaking.
"It's just strange," she said. "Sometimes, I almost think I'd like to see him again. Something will remind me of something he did or said, the nicer things I mean, and I'll stop to remember it. They were moments only, but... Sometimes I'd think, maybe he's not such a bad person after all." She paused and laid a hand on her abdomen. "But it's so much easier to remember everything else he did to me. And I hate that."
Reno frowned, but couldn't think of any consolation. "What would you do if you did see him again?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'd kiss him, or maybe I'd stab him. More likely I'd just stand there dumbstruck. I wouldn't know what to say to him. I used to want to know him, to understand him completely, but now I'm not sure I could handle it."
He did not reply, and she said nothing further. They sat silently while the minutes passed and the rain pounded outside.
"You know," Reno began quietly, "I wasn't going to say anything, but... I saw Sephiroth today."
Aeris looked up, startled and even a little eager. "You did?"
He nodded.
"He's here in Junon?"
"Just passing through."
Something in her faded. "Oh. Did you talk to him?"
"A little."
"What did he say?"
"Not much. He asked about you, and I told him. He seemed pretty apathetic otherwise."
"That doesn't surprise me."
Reno waited, wondering if she was going to go on. It seemed like it.
At length she just got to her feet and said she was going to bed. He listened to her footsteps towards the bedroom and the sound of the door shutting softly. Then he sighed and reached for the TV remote.
It had been easy enough to follow the redhead home without him knowing it. Anything more presented something of a problem. On reaching the front entrance to the apartment building, he had hesitated, and chosen not to enter. Now he stood leaning against the brick wall under the overhang of the building, wondering whether or not he would actually go inside.
He had thought that Aeris would not want to see him ever again. After all that he had done to her, it was the only thing that made sense. How could she want to see him? Save for that one meeting she had granted him for their child's sake, Sephiroth had resigned himself to never seeing her again.
But Reno had said that she had loved him, and that perhaps she still did. What was he supposed to make of that? Could she possibly want to see him in spite of everything? She could not forgive him, he knew that, and so how could she even tolerate his presence without being able to forgive him? How could she still love him? How could she ever have loved him at all? He was less than worthless, and yet somehow she had found something in him worth falling in love with.
He had never understood her, and therein lay the problem. He had no idea whether or not she would want to see him again.
Sephiroth knew his feelings on the matter. After that moment in the crater, everything had changed and he had given up any hope of repressing them. He wanted to see her.
But she had told him to rot.
So had she meant it or not? Was that what she really wanted for him, or was it only what she thought he deserved? Was she willing to give him yet another chance, or had he run out of them? Would seeing him be too painful for her? Was he willing to risk causing her pain just to find out?
He had never been this confused in his life.
He straightened and began to pace. No longer beneath the overhang, the rain pelted him full force. He let it slide over him, ignoring it. The rain was not important.
He had raped her. He had killed countless people, including two of her dearest friends. He had nearly destroyed her Planet. She could not possibly be willing to grant him any chances after all that. She had been willing before the battle, but afterwards was a different story.
But he had changed for her, hadn't he? He had given it up, at the last moment, he had done what she wanted. He had defeated Jenova and released Holy to undo what he had done. He had helped her and her friends escape.
He knew none of that was enough. He had released Jenova, he had summoned Meteor, he had struck down her friends when they came to stop him. Nothing he had done in the end made up for setting those events in motion. And that was hardly all that he had done in the course of his life. For so long, she had been willing to forgive him if he changed for her, but he had gone too far. When she had tried to reason with him one final time, he had chosen to ignore her. Perhaps in the end he had finally done as she wanted, but he had been right: it had been too late.
Sephiroth stopped pacing and looked down the deserted street. Perhaps it was time he left. If she did not want to see him, she did not want to see him. He should go. She had told him to rot. That was what he was supposed to be doing.
He stared down the street, trying to will himself to move in that direction. There was no point in staying. She would not want to see him. Go. Just go. Get out of here. Leave her be.
Yet he could not seem to take one step down that street. He sighed and sank down onto the curb, watching the water rush around his feet to a nearby storm drain. He wanted to see her, and she was here in this building. How could he force himself to leave when she was so close by?
So what would he say when he saw her? Would he try to apologize? Beg her forgiveness? The words would be useless. He was unforgivable.
Why hadn't he let her persuade him sooner? Why hadn't he given in back when she had first asked it of him? He had been a fool to think that he could deaden his emotions when she had captivated his curiosity for so long. He had had so many opportunities to kill her; why hadn't he realized that he already had some sort of attachment to her?
The rain let up perhaps an hour before dawn. Sephiroth continued to wait. He watched the sky grow lighter and the city begin to stir. At length he rose and turned into the building.
He found the apartment number from the mailboxes in the entryway, and strode for the stairs. His purposeful gait slowed when he neared Reno's apartment, and he came to a stop in front of the door. He could turn back now. He could change his mind and go. But he did not want to. He pressed the buzzer, half-hoping that no one would answer.
But within seconds he heard muffled voices inside--first Reno saying something, and then Aeris calling back, "I'll get it."
Sephiroth took a step back from the door and glanced down the hall, but the door opened before he could change his mind, and there stood Aeris, staring.
Her hair was growing out again, curling gently around her ears and past her neck. She wore a dark grey dress, and he found himself disappointed by it. She had always looked best in bright colors, not this drab thing that seemed to drain the color from her eyes. Beneath the dress, he could just make out a softening of her belly, a feature that would be meaningless and invisible to someone who had not known her before, who hadn't known the feeling of running their hands over her naked body.
She looked tired, but not from lack of sleep, and beyond that he could not read her expression. That worried him; he had always been able to read her.
"What are you doing here?" Aeris asked guardedly.
"If you don't want to see me, I will leave," he told her.
She shook her head and said sharply, "Answer the question. Why are you here?"
"I learned you were here, and I could not stop myself from coming. I wanted to see you."
Surprise softened her features for an instant, and then she frowned, almost suspiciously. "Is that really why you came?"
"Yes."
"Well, you've seen me."
Sephiroth nodded. "Then you don't feel the same. I will go." He turned away, disappointed but not at all surprised.
"Wait," she said softly. "Wait, I didn't say that."
He stopped and turned back, hopefully.
Aeris frowned, as though she had not meant to say anything. A moment passed before she spoke again. "I won't deny that I've missed you. Gods damn me for it, I missed you. But now that you're here, what is there to say? You'll leave again; there's no stopping it."
"I would stay if you asked me."
"You know I won't. We can't be together. It wouldn't work."
"Why not?" he dared to ask.
"You know why," she stated coldly.
Yes, he knew. He knew, but... "Am I really out of chances? I know it doesn't make any sense. I know you can't forgive me. But, if you missed me... Surely that means something."
"That I can't forget you? All right, I can't. But it doesn't mean that I'm willing to give you another chance. You don't deserve it."
"And what about you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You deserve whatever you want."
Her voice grew angry. "Oh, so I should take you back because I deserve it, and never mind the fact that you'll get off easy?"
Sephiroth held her gaze and did not flinch. "I know that even with Reno at your side, you are not recovering. I would almost prefer it if you cared for another man, but that isn't how it has turned out. You should not punish yourself just to make certain that I serve my punishment."
"Stop it," Aeris snapped. "You know I can't give you another chance."
"You know it wouldn't be the same as before," he replied steadily.
"Because you've changed? You think that makes a difference?"
"It would have been enough before."
"Before, yes. Before you raped me. Before you killed Cloud. Then, it would have made me happy. I would have gladly been yours. But this isn't before. It's too late now."
"Is it? Or are you just telling yourself that?" He wished he could take the words back the moment they were out of his mouth. It was not fair of him to ask her that. He had no right.
Her frown deepened. "If you mean to imply that I don't want this and that I'm making a mistake, maybe you're right. But it's only my life at stake, and it's my decision."
Sephiroth shook his head and plowed onward. "But you haven't been able to move forward. If I can help you, why won't you let me try?"
She faltered at that. "I don't know. I can't see how it would work."
"I know that I've never helped anyone, but perhaps for you I can manage it. I want to atone for what I did to you."
"You can't do that. You can't erase what you've done."
He nodded, acknowledging it, and waited, hoping. He wanted her to agree. He wanted to prove to her, and to himself, that she had not wasted her compassion. More than anything, he wanted to see her smiling at him again, like she had before he had ruined everything. He had never wanted anything like this before. And he did not deserve her, he had no right to be here asking for this, but he prayed to whatever power might listen that she would give him just one more chance.
"Two months," she said at last, her tone brusque. "That's how long I've gone without you, so that's how long you'll have to prove you're worth the pain you've caused me. I don't think Reno could be persuaded to let you stay here, so you'll have to figure that part out on your own. You can sleep on the couch tonight, but beyond that, I can't guarantee anything."
He stared at her openly. "What?"
"You heard me. I'm not going to repeat myself." She turned around and walked back into the apartment, leaving the door open.
Sephiroth stood rooted to the spot. He hadn't really expected her to agree. He had expected her to turn him away, and to leave this place with that heavy disappointment settling in his gut. He did not deserve it, and she had always been stubborn.
But she had granted him another chance. Two months was more than he could have hoped for. Two months meant that maybe he had time enough to make her smile again. Two months meant that she really did want him near her, in spite of everything. She had just felt constrained by morality, which dictated that he did not deserve her, even if she wanted him.
He still could not believe it. No one had ever given him second chances, much less third. Except Aeris.
Sephiroth hesitantly followed her inside and shut the door behind him.